Sunday, 23 September 2012

Getting Deep: My eating disorder.

I'm writing this under the influence of a few random things: the height of my hormone issued low, gifted to me once a month by a few issues relating to disbalanced hormones related to my cycle, what I hope to be the end of a binge day, and some deep self reflection on things like, where I'm at, where I want to be and both the things I want as they are and the ones I want to change.

I have an eating disorder. Have for a very long time.

It comes around now and again. At least now I've come to the point where it isn't overwhelming my mind at all times of the day. It has affected other parts of my life of course, like body image and self worth, which was hell when I was a teen, but now I know the true worth of who I am and value it much more than what I think I look like.

That was a major turn around point for me. And I think that it can be for anyone else that feels this way.

I've come to a point where I feel like I can beat this. I thought I already had, but that was more me trying to convince myself than anything else. I feel like as long as every time I fall, I kick myself in the ass and just get back to what I know is best, I can maybe just be satisfied with the physical part of me. I think that having stopped beating myself up every time I don't do it perfect, every time I stumble, that getting rid of feeling guilt or regret over what I eat, was one of the most loving gifts I ever gave myself. Of course, it still happens, but I tend to catch it quick enough before it does any damage.

When I look inside myself, I love what I see, even the flaws, even the less than pretty things about myself. I would love to feel that way about my body, and hey there are even some moments that I almost do! There are moments that I forget, I forget that I have these kind of thoughts. I forget that I used to let them control me.

Now most of the time, that's how it is. It's nothing but a memory. But sometimes the thoughts come back. I fall, I tumble and I'm hard on myself for letting it happen. But then again, they happen less and less as I heal, as I face my fears, as I learn the deep down whys of it all. Instead of hiding away from the feelings, sometimes I let myself feel them, explore them as if they weren't my own and I begin to understand them, soothe them and tuck them away in a place where they belong: the past.

I am so grateful to have discovered the raw vegan lifestyle. As much as the food aspect of it work wonders for me, it's the rest of it that has helped me the most. The opening of emotions, the raw feeling that makes you feel everything instead of numbing it all. The deepness of emotion. The love that opens up your heart to so much more than you ever thought possible. The change in perspective about what actually matters is huge. It's an awakening that scares most people, I actually think that it's what has most people permanently falling off the wagon. Because most people would rather be numb. I was once upon a time, one of them. But I seriously wouldn't go back if someone offered me all the riches of the world.

Now I know who I am, I know (mostly) what I want. I know that sometimes I have weaknesses, sometimes I'm strong and sometimes I don't know. But what matters the most is that I will never give up, I will always be kind and I will always get back up. After all, there is no such thing as can't. No impossible.