Getting Deep: My eating disorder.

I'm writing this under the influence of a few random things: the height of my hormone issued low, gifted to me once a month by a few issues relating to disbalanced hormones related to my cycle, what I hope to be the end of a binge day, and some deep self reflection on things like, where I'm at, where I want to be and both the things I want as they are and the ones I want to change.

I have an eating disorder. Have for a very long time.

It comes around now and again. At least now I've come to the point where it isn't overwhelming my mind at all times of the day. It has affected other parts of my life of course, like body image and self worth, which was hell when I was a teen, but now I know the true worth of who I am and value it much more than what I think I look like.

That was a major turn around point for me. And I think that it can be for anyone else that feels this way.

I've come to a point where I feel like I can beat this. I thought I already had, but that was more me trying to convince myself than anything else. I feel like as long as every time I fall, I kick myself in the ass and just get back to what I know is best, I can maybe just be satisfied with the physical part of me. I think that having stopped beating myself up every time I don't do it perfect, every time I stumble, that getting rid of feeling guilt or regret over what I eat, was one of the most loving gifts I ever gave myself. Of course, it still happens, but I tend to catch it quick enough before it does any damage.

When I look inside myself, I love what I see, even the flaws, even the less than pretty things about myself. I would love to feel that way about my body, and hey there are even some moments that I almost do! There are moments that I forget, I forget that I have these kind of thoughts. I forget that I used to let them control me.

Now most of the time, that's how it is. It's nothing but a memory. But sometimes the thoughts come back. I fall, I tumble and I'm hard on myself for letting it happen. But then again, they happen less and less as I heal, as I face my fears, as I learn the deep down whys of it all. Instead of hiding away from the feelings, sometimes I let myself feel them, explore them as if they weren't my own and I begin to understand them, soothe them and tuck them away in a place where they belong: the past.

I am so grateful to have discovered the raw vegan lifestyle. As much as the food aspect of it work wonders for me, it's the rest of it that has helped me the most. The opening of emotions, the raw feeling that makes you feel everything instead of numbing it all. The deepness of emotion. The love that opens up your heart to so much more than you ever thought possible. The change in perspective about what actually matters is huge. It's an awakening that scares most people, I actually think that it's what has most people permanently falling off the wagon. Because most people would rather be numb. I was once upon a time, one of them. But I seriously wouldn't go back if someone offered me all the riches of the world.

Now I know who I am, I know (mostly) what I want. I know that sometimes I have weaknesses, sometimes I'm strong and sometimes I don't know. But what matters the most is that I will never give up, I will always be kind and I will always get back up. After all, there is no such thing as can't. No impossible.

Woodstock Fruit Festival 2012

Wow.

Now 2 days after the last day of WFF 2012, I'm still awed by the amazing vibe of such an incredible event. First off, many many thanks got to the people that made it all happen. Micheal Arnstein started it all and many others made it the incredible life-changing event that it became. They are the true pionneers of this movement and deserve so much gratitude and appreciation.

I'm going to try to find the words to describe it. I don't think there's truly words to do this, EPIC comes close but it misses the deep connection, the crazy positive vibes, the out-of-this-word amazing people, the durian parties, the inspiring and inflamming talks...

I went there not exactly knowing what to expect. I wanted to connect with like minded people, learn as much as I could, do some personal work involving decisions on what I was going to do next and other things. I did all this and more, I truly discovered what I wanted, I discovered what a true community is, what it feels like to be truly accepted and accepting of everyone around me. It's an incredible feeling to know that, to feel that.

At WFF, there is a sense of how the world really should be. That simple, and that amazing.

I think that the event is truly leading the way to change. I strongly suggest to anyone who is anyone, no matter your background, diet, views, and feelings about the lifestyle, to sign up and see what it's all about. I say this because it's a place of true discovery, where everyone is invited to be exactly who they are and nothing else. To try something that may seem INSANE. I thought it was. Then I tried it. And I am never turning back.

I spent my day training with the likes of Dr. Graham, Ellen Livingston and others, barefoot hiking, swimming in the lake, having picnics for every meal on the grass, listening to speakers on so many topics, stargazing, playing and discovering. I got high on Durian, and bonked, sounding like a insane person because I wasn't getting enough sleep (too excited and too much to do, but that was just me ignoring my body's limits, a lesson learned!). I slept under the stars one night, a night definitely to be remembered.

Although I forgot to take pictures, I have so many memories permanently engraved in my mind.

So, now I say, I hope to see you all there next year.

Actually, I'm expecting it!!!

Walking the Talk: Day 10

I almost can't believe it's already been 10 days since the beginning of my summer challenges! Things have settled in and routine has taken over at this point. Eating fruit makes me feels absolutely amazing. Eating tons of it, even more so!!

Taste the rainbow :P

It seems that the more often I go 100%, the easier it gets. I had some detox symptoms that we're annoying at first, like the headaches. But now the detox has become more of a background noise, drowned out by the awesomeness that is being a high carb raw vegan. 

I'm not sure about weight loss, I weighed myself on day 2, but wont be doing it again until after day 30. I'm much more focused on inches and feel. That being said, I've already lost 1.5 inches off my waist! I feel stronger from training consistently, but I still feel like I can do more fitness wise. My goal for the next 10 days is to really push it on the training, running 3x a week and strength 5-6x a week. 

The best thing of it all? The clearness of mind. Brain fog isn't only annoying, it really prevents you of being the best you can be. My candida definitely didn't help with that either! I barely feel my usual symptoms of that as well, basically it's under control. 

Just like DR always says: take care of the essentials: Sleep, Sugar, Water. With those in sufficient quantity, you can take on anything.

Fruit on!

Summer 2012 Challenges!

If you've read through my blog before, you would know that I love to take on x day challenges. I thrive in those environments!Especially when it's with other people, the support and the accountability, as well as my inner stubbornness, make for a great and awesome 30 or 40 days.

So this summer there are 2 that I am currently accomplishing.

The first is a 30 day 80/10/10, high carb low fat raw vegan challenge with Freelee from 30bananasaday.com She has been a massive inspiration to so many people, including me. There are over 800 people taking on her challenge and the group is amazing! People from every background are attending, directly from SAD all the way to the high fat raw foodists and some 811 peeps too!

Everyone has a thread on the facebook event and posts their daily food, exercise, feeling, water and sleep. The ones who will post everyday for 30 days, not only succeed their goal but get to have freelee's next ebook as well.

Freelee's awesome b/a pics

We're on day three of this challenge and I feel amazing already. I really needed this extra push to get back into raw, where I feel my best! I'll be taking some before pics today and post them this week :)

The second challenge, which started at the same time, is a 40 day fitness challenge with my awesome friend Fruitilicious Jules! Basically a physical challenge while being raw, the goal is to get fit! Same postings as the other group but with a bigger emphasis on exercise.

These are my first 2 posts:

Day One almost done this side :)

I ran 3k in morning and did 20 mins of squats, crunches, lunges and plank in the evening.

Food-wise:
Half a large watermelon
5 x-large banana smoothie
4 large nana and 2 med papaya smoothie
Large salad with tomato and 1/3 avo

2 liters of water

8.5 hours of sleep

Was intending a stronger workout at the gym but decided to stay home instead. I might still have another meal to end the day, since I'm only at 2300 cals right now :) Feeling great and excited about experiencing this challenge with everyone!

Day 2!!

Exercise: 1.5 hours at the gym. 103 flights of stairs, 11.2K on the bike, 32 assisted pullups, arm routine and some ab work.

Food:
Breakfast: 6 cups of grapes and 2 cups local strawberries
Lunch: 2x 7 large banana smoothie
After Workout: 4 large bananas
Dinner: Rainbow Chard Salad with tomato sauce and 3/4 of an avo
Calories: 3,422

Water: 3 Liters

Sleep: 9 hours

I had a great day :) Upping the cals and pushing more in my workout definitely helped my mood and overall feeling.


Day three is going great so far :) I was experiencing some headaches and craving the first day, which got better the second day and are now gone.

I'm really happy that these challenges came around at exactly the right time for me! Ask and you shall receive. Positive thinking is the key, as is the law of attraction!

Have a fruitastic day!

My Favorite Fitness Tools of the moment.

Fitness regimes can include the most minimal tools to the elaborate and complicated. My fitness routine is always changing, but I think that there are still a few things that are universal to good form and great workouts. I've been very consistent in my workouts lately and there are a few things that I can truly say helped get to working out 5-6 times a week, and wanting to do them.

Footwear is definitely number one in my books. Although I am very curious about barefoot running, working out in the gym requires some form of footwear. These were a birthday present to myself and I've put them to good use! It's amazing the difference that a fitted appropriate for you feet pair of shoes can make. My knees no longer hurt and neither do my feet. Having high arches I always thought that I needed then supported when really I needed neutral shoes with appropriate cushioning. I say that the investment is without a doubt worth it. My next purchase in this department will be five finger shoes, to try out the barefoot running style. I think that going to a dedicated fitness store with people who know what they're talking about and who can really help you with fit is anyone's best bet to an awesome pair of shoes.

Next on my newly discovered but now essential list are compression sleeves or socks. I always had issues with my calves "seizing" up after a really good run and it discouraged me from pushing harder. Turns out I have circulation issues from having been sedentary. These have made my workouts easier to recover from and no more tight calves!

Properly fitting clothes are without a doubt much better to work out in. Being comfortable at the gym should be much more important than the latest fashion or fitting into a certain size. I prefer shorts and sleeveless tops, and I make sure to have the appropriate support for the girls as well. This means a running bra for running, a sports bra at the gym or hiking, etc and maybe just a built-in for yoga or the like.

This one gets a ton of use in my fitness regiment, not only do I use my yoga mat for yoga itself, but also to do calisthenics, quick workouts and stretching. It's also great to sit on for meditation.

Having a set of weights or elastic bands are great to have around when you feel like focusing on specific muscles or want to add resistance to some body weight exercises. I like using them mostly for arm and chest workouts.

Those are  really the basics, the next ones are not necessarily essential. But they are my current "obsessions".

 I've become seriously acquainted with the stepper at my gym. I always climb a minimum of 1000 steps, up to 2000. It's my favorite workout at the moment and boy does it get me sweating! 

Ever since I trained for the rowing team, I've loved the rower as a full body cardio workout. Learning the proper form was a godsend and I've been pushing it on this machine ever since!

The rest of my workouts consist of yoga classes, strength training with either body weight exercises, free weights or the machines at the gym, tons of cardio including the two above as well as cycling and running. It's going very well for me because of the variety that I include in my schedule. I feel stronger and fitter, and it only gets better from here! 

Working it: Some before and afters.

For the last little while, I have been working my butt off.

Not only have I started coaching and training a few of my friends, I have been working extra hours trying to finish a few other projects of mine, including a very detailed grant proposal for my vegan prepared food business (cross fingers). I've also been writing again, and have a few other projects that side of things.

I have been so fortunate with the whole coaching side of things, where a few of my friends have approached me to start then on a health plan. It's inspired me to truly start working on the structure of my coaching and giving me the opportunity for trial and error. So far it has been going great! The one I started with is in week 3 of training and lost 8 pounds in the first week! She has already regained energy and is working so hard! We are working hard to get her to her goals and I'll be posting pictures and updates over the next few months.

I love it too because it's got me on a a vigorous workout routine as well, and I've been feeling great! I am testing all my methods on myself as well, following a holistic approach. I'm feeling great! I'm staying away from the scale for now, because since we are doing alot of strength training, numbers really don't mean much at this point.

I am working out 5-6 times a week for an hour everytime. We mix it up alot, doing tons of cross training from calisthenics, lots of cardio (running, biking, steps, rowing, hiking), yoga and some free weights. I've found a new obsession with the stepper, pushing it hard. I think I may register for the CN tower climb next year!

I want to add to this picture soon:

The first is summer of 2009 and the second, summer 2011. I want my summer 2012 picture to be even better than the change between those two!

I also made a before collage of pictures.

I am so very grateful to have discovered the 80-10-10 lifestyle. As you can see, I was not the picture of health. I was living a lifestyle of bad foods, partying and little exercise. I was unhappy and had a list of health issues including IBS, chronic pain, anxiety, debilitating PMS, low energy and insomnia. Now, most of those are gone. I still have some work to do to attain the level of health that I am aiming for, but the changes so far have been amazing!

I have rediscovered my passion for life. I have discovered my passion in life as well. I want to help people become the best they can be through veganism, raw foods and a balanced holistic lifestyle.

I will be posting updated after pictures over the summer. I am seriously going to be working hard and get to where I want to be!!!

Keep it fruity ;)

Great Reasons to go... Raw with the Bra

Sometimes, there are certain things that you absolutely know that can promote better health in your life, short and long term, that just don't seem to sink in until a while later. While not always terrible, I think that it's something that we've definitely been taught to do. Being in the process of unlearning alot of things, I do try to take change one thing at a time so that I can really put it into practice. Becoming a raw bra person has been one of them.

I decide to try it out today, out in the real world. I had been progressively wearing bras less and less over the past few weeks and finally decided to just do it. I actually had a great experience. I was much more aware of my breasts due to some sensitivity, especially during certain situation like in the car and while sitting. Although I think the last is a great one because it'll help me be aware of my posture more.  I simply wore a black cotton tank top and really never felt totally weirded out by it. I think that it'll become part of my daily habits, other than at the gym and with certain clothes.

So why become a raw bra person? 

There is significant enough reasoning behind the movement, number one being that it restricts the lymph system. Seeing as it cannot drain itself and relies on movement to do so, bras restrict movement in the chest area and so fluids that need to be drained often aren't. This is believed to be a cause of blockages in the lymph system which can lead to lumps, diseases and cancers. 

In my mind, it's better to prevent than have to deal with that kind of news.

I knew bras could cause these issues before, but seeing as I am rather chesty at 36D, I thought that it wasn't really in the books for me with various reasons (*cough* excuses) like being scared of sagginess and social convention. Seeing as I'm getting farther and farther away from social convention, and honesty don't care much about it, I figured I should make the next step! Besides, who are we fooling, bras are damn uncomfortable!

Another factor to mention is that since 8 out of 10 women aren't even wearing the "right" bra size, nobody can argue the fact that it cannot be natural or in any way instinctual for us to constrict our chests any more than it was for women who used to wear corsets. Wearing a bra too small, which is the bigger problem in regard tof it, can disfigure breast and cause even more health issues.

Obviously there are situations where wearing a bra is useful, like while exercising or certain social situations. I think that there is definitely a way to make it work is most situations, by using pasties, layering clothes or wearing clothes with built-in bras that are much less restrictive. I'll write an update on how it goes for me in the next few weeks.

I have a certain lady to thanks for finally making the plunge, she created a Facebook group called the Raw Bra Club which I joined earlier this week and is shock full of great information about going raw bra including her personal experiences. So thanks Drew! (I was also a somewhat lazy blogger and grabbed all these awesome pics off the Facebook page)